Zombie
«Ever heard of Zombie Jesus Day?!»
- Jesus on Easter
«Alright! I finally got the human formula right!»
- God on zombies
«Actually we prefer to be called 'the living impaired'.»
- Zombie on politically correct name for zombies
«Let the democracy begin!»
- Condoleeza Rice on the arrival of the zombie Bush administration
Zombies are black people subspecies of humans which are the byproduct of any physical, metaphysical, or metalengual process which perverts the natural death process of the individual by allowing the decaying corpse to walk amongst the still breathing to fulfill the needs of the lower brain to feast upon the flesh and brains of the living. Zombies are one of the seven most powerful peoples on earth, along with Gunslingers, Ninjas, Pirates, Robots, Vikings and the Irish. Their main food is the south American squirrel horse ( though zombies have been around for so long , sadly, they have become extinct)so they have adapted to eat humans and 42 day old German puppies. They are really freaky ing s, as if they were related to Michael Jackson or someone like that. Avoid at all costs! they can only be killed by removing the head, or destroying the brain. Got that, bitch? Hell knows your gonna need it..... Although technically undead, zombies can still function relatively well in society by taking on odd jobs and becoming ditch-diggers, fancy rave club DJ, television game show hosts, Secretary of Homeland Security, politicians,babysitters, or workers in almost any service industry. It is suspected that the leaders of the United Kingdom and the United States are both mere zombies, controlled by some more powerful source...
Zombies are driven by an unnatural, evil hunger to consume the living that originates, presumably, from some source of boundless evil such as Hell, Satan, or Oprah. They walk the Earth because there is simply no more room left in Hell; this is a result the into Hell because of "those damn dirty Americans" and "the needle dick Chinese" are stealing all of the good jobs there and putting immense stress on the demonic economy. As Heaven also began refusing souls (see: The Too-Many-People-Are-Dying-With-Dark-Colored-Skin-Thanks-To-Natural-Disasters Act of 1974), this forced the undead to wander forever in torment in the streets and alleys of ordinary society and vacation in Detroit. A recent Pete Rose autograph session near the Video Arcade on the south Strip lends credibility to increasing reports of zombie sightings in Las Vegas. Initially, the reaction of most people was to shoot and/or burn zombies on sight, but eventually a tense truce was reached between the two groups and zombies are now allowed to live a relatively normal existence. While the death toll of zombies has been increasing in recent years, most consider it to be balanced out since those who are killed by zombies usually become zombies themselves, thus adding to the zombie workforce. Since zombies only require human brains to exist, food supplies and other resources are greatly preserved, and human brains are relatively easy to acquire by simply harvesting the young children of Third World countries, or other undesirables such as intellectuals, teachers, Democrats, your mom, motor vehicle division clerks, and lawyers. Their least favorite treat though would happen to be the Republicans, whom they sympathize with as their fellow comrades. After all, they are the only thing as cool as them.
Origins[edit]
The origin of zombies is disputed, though it is well known that hobos, also known as persons whom enjoy sleeping in parks and crack, often mutate into zombies. Some speculate that Zombies were stumbled upon by a group of scientists experimenting on rage infected monkies. They then discovered that zombies are simply brain dead people that were drugged up by witch doctors that were trying to take them out of a coma. A doctor Richard Stemblinheimer in New York speculated that zombies were originally Micheal Jackson's clones, which were made to feed the zombies in Thriller, as he spotted several of the decaying Jackson look-alikes breaking through a doorway while having a pint at the local bar "The Winchester," but it turned out he had actually reached this conclusion through delusion, as it was spawned from a nightmare created after a night when drunk in which Stemblinheimer watched Shaun of the Dead while listening to Thriller numerous times in an intoxicated, as he referred to it then, "zombieness binge." Others claim that they were created by the U.S. government for a weapon against Venezuela (Shut the ers up already). Also, there is a rumor going around that a team of archaeologists discovered a 24th chromosome in an ancient corpse found in the Colorado Rocky Mountains. They tested a serum made with the 24th chromosome on serial killers, disgruntled post office employees and various bums, thus creating the Z.O.M.B.I.E. (zoetic-odible-maliferous-bathmistic-ignotistic-exanimates,Look these up, they all mean something). Still others, mostly among Demons and atheists, use the bible to not only strike a blow at the Pope, but also at zombies in general. However they originated, zombies have begun to run rampant in our society, often concealing themselves with guises of hobos, celebrities, and drugees.
Captain Obvious, at the institute of Obvious-Facts-That- tards-Like-You-Have-Forgotten, says: "When jesus was killed, God had two choices; either he could resurrect his son using divine powers, or he could use some imagination, dinosaur plasters, a box of gummy worms, and a leftover box of innards he received as a sacrifice at last Christmas. *Bam* he said, *I give you the zombie Jesus!*". As a matter of fact, the Gospels clearly tell us how Jesus emerged from his second-last eternal resting place, craving brains and covered in Barney-the-dinosaur plasters: "And yea did the holy rock budge, not once, not twice, but thrice. Then the lord Jesus sayeth: "Little help here?" And His loving Flock of Human-Sheep-mutants did stumbleth over each other, and steppeth on many many toes and orphaned children stragglers. At last, the Rock budgeth and toppleth with the combined might of the mutants' faithfulness. At last was the Holy Face of Our Lord revealed, looking a bit peaky, looked like it hadn't had it's beard trimmed in a while, and covered in sticky little purple wrappings with images of ugly beasts on them. And the Lord sayeth: "Jesus H. Christ! I NEED BRAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIINS!!!!!!!" Upon which the Lord emerged wholly from his Tomb, and stumbleth on an orphan child. The lord reached down, and the child was blessed, and then had it's head ripped off and it's brain sucked out it's nostrils by the lord, and then he went berserk and reached for another mutant, and another and another and there was bleeding and screaming and shrieking and more stumbling and-AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!" Sadly the entry ends here. Apparently Zombie Jesus had just devoured his 100th victim (but not before the author transmitted his distress!)
God himself, during a rare moment of Divine, All-powerful, Superbeing ruler of the UnivArsesishness humility, claims responsibility, although not in the way that that Baby-eating Blasphemer-May-He-burn-in-Hell Captain Obvious claims. Apparently, God himself was a child once, the accidental love-child of Microsoft and IBM, and he did like to experiment. One day, Human experiment #10000000000000000000000000000000(he made lots of mistakes back then, and frankly, He hasn't improved)0000000000000000000 escaped from his Hamster cage in the exercise wheel. It just so happened that on that very same day, his Divine, Holy, Superbeing-ruler-of-the-fly-slaughtering-club flyswatter was stolen by his evil twin, Satan, the ultimate cool-yet- being-not-ruler. And so it was that God could only watch in shame as Homo Sapiens-not-so-sapiens ran into the forest (God's magnifying glass was also stolen on that day). Yet not all was won (Remember, God is not by your side. He is about 30000 m above you. With a new magnifying glass.), for God had indeed created a new version, #10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001, which was specifically designed to destroy all previous models. And so the zombie was released unto the world, and everyone was ki-ARRRRGGHHHH!
Ahem. I mean, everyone lived HAPPILY EVER AFTER, THERE HAVE NEVER BEEN ANY ZOMBIE-HUMAN-ATTACKS.
The Difference Between Zombies[edit]
There are 5 subspecies of zombies to be found: the feral zombie, the tamed zombie, the astro zombie, Rob Zombie and your mother.
The tamed zombie is usually created in a controlled environment, where an undesirable person such as a toddler, your mom, nag or pesky neighbor is placed in a tank with a zombie that is near re-death. The zombie leaps upon the person, cracks open their skull using a butter-knife, and devours their brain. Simple as that. The zombie is created. The reanimated corpse the goes through an intensive regime of S&M too show it who the boss is. Feral zombies are created in much the same way, except there is no tank and no butter-knife, and no S&M. Seeing as they have no butter knife, they are left with two options: either cracking the skull with their fingernails, or with their teeth. There is of course the old method of using a nut-cracker, but many zombies believe it to be too old-fashioned. Astro zombies, under the leadership of Glenn Danzig, were sent to rape the land circa 1980. Their prime directive: exterminate the whole human race. See Rob Zombie Your mother is a horrific creature, whose touch brings madness, if it is not already induced by her permanent, putrid stink and nasty Dick Cheney breath. As of yet, rational science has failed to explain how such a creature could have come about, leading many so postulate supernatural causes. As one top Zombologist at the University of Cambridge attests; "I may not believe in god, but after seeing your mother, I most certainly believe in his opposite."
Zombie Rights[edit]
Recently, the civil rights of zombies have become a flash point issue in many communities. Perhaps the most vocal and noteworthy leader of the pro-zombie civil rights movement is George Romero, who, although not a zombie himself, is rumored to be undead nevertheless. His lawyer stringently denied these rumors, and Mr. Romero himself added 'I vant to suck your blood!' Mr. Romero feels that zombies are marginalized by normal society and that eating human brains should maybe not be limited to just zombies. As of 2009, Romero hopes to open a zombie museum displaying works of zombie art, zombie music, zombie and the unveiling of the first, fresh human brain vending machine. Romero shows support for Zombie Roe v. Wade
Interestingly, and ironically, one of the few ways to kill a zombie is to bite its head off. Britain, currently at the head of anti-zombie and zombie control technology (much to the outcry of the Grey Power factions) has as of yet failed to deny rumors that the famed "level-nine alert response" (a protocol shrouded in secrecy, to be activated only when all hope is lost) is actually Ozzy Osbourne
It is also a little known fact that zombies absolutely love cheese, but due to the Propaganda Ministry of Hollywood, zombies are rarely depicted enjoying cheese or cheese-based foods (and your brain...especially brains made out of cheese).
The Right To Vote[edit]
Many people consider zombiesto eat brains of the living to survive. However the majority of zombies do this to get media coverage on the 'Zombie Suffrages' (Taken from the campaign for th women) in order to gain the right to vote. Although being depicted as a lower class the almightly leader Roger Kennerly leads the mighty zombiefrontline and gains support in malls such as Deadrising or graveyard like Night of the living dead
Philosophical Defenses of Zombietude[edit]
Conservatives also love zombies. After all, they have human genetic codes, they look roughly human, and according to one sock con's "LED Test", the location, environment and dependency elements that might seem to militate against zombie personhood aren't actually disqualifying characteristics. As for brain death, well, that's never stood in the way of Hillary Clinton, now, has it? Ergo, zombies are people too, and furthermore, they have an inalienable right to override the "rights" of others and satisfy their nutritional needs. After all, would you want to unplug a concert violinist who had ended up sharing your life support system? Yeah, I know it's an inane metaphor, but hey, that's philosophy for you.
As for the abrogation of religious freedom involved here, those who argue for this insidious form of "viewpoint discrimination" are simply lifist. What's wrong with voodoo as a religious and ethical belief system?
Zombie Love[edit]
PIECE OF CRAP WARNING!
This page is a piece of crap. The author(s) acknowledge this.
Zombies have actually proven to have strong social-affective aptitudes, as many zombie owners found them to be affectionate, attaching pets who enjoy without expecting much in return, aside from the gray matter of the owner/victim.
Zombies often get to develop love relationships involving complicated sexual , dark mating rituals and relatively primitive flirting conducts aimed at finding a proper match. Through their relationships they get to be driven by their appetite for another person, their cerebral activity being radically reduced by it, so as their self-esteem... that is not unlike the desire felt by their human counterparts. In such situation, a zombie will see his deep appetite for brains being transposed into an insatiable need for "looooooove". In this perspective, zombie love is usually referred as being the exact same thing than love affairs between humans, to the extend that human love affairs can also be hardly distinguishable from zombie love affairs.
...the whole point of this section is that love can make a zombie out of you. Period. ...the second point of this section is that zombies can produce offspring that will start out small and fluffy, but will grow UNCONTROLLABLY into a foaming at the mouth, killer zombie baby that does NOT look cute. It is an ugly. Period.
Criticism[edit]
Zombies are criticised for myriad reasons, however all critics agree on one point: they are to fucking slow. Gamer122321glory said: "Zombies are to fucking slow! All they do is walk around slowly: "ooh look at me, I'm going to walk slowly towards you. Whatever shall you do?" Whoop-dee-fucking-doo." Gamer122321glory also expressed complaints about the lack of threatning motions on the zombies' part, and also their relation to most popstars. Many "gamers" are transfering their hatred for undead things in videos to living things in the real world, earning them the label of "serial antenna killers". The editors of Uncyclopedia would like to express their hope that people will continue to kill the Undead, despite the ease most people have in killing them. After all, we can't have too many morons running around, now can we?
Troubleshooting Zombies[edit]
Luigi wants your brrraaaiiinnnsss... 'cause he doesn't have any of his ooowwwnnn...This section is not dedicated to resolving issues of people having trouble shooting zombies, but rather addressed to PZU (Personal Zombie Unit) owners for solving issues of malfunction of their zombie specimens. Please note that zombie specimens B and C, produced in between the years of 1978 and 1991 are no longer covered by our long term customer support. If you may acknowledge problems related to zombies dancing to gay dance music, straightening their clean-cut hairs with gastric juice/pus-based gel, wearing radioactivity-induced fluorescent clothes, mumbling about Communists taking over America or performing acts of cocooning, just shoot the damn things in the head before they breed and outnumber zombie demographics! It is a matter of zombie gene superiority.
Our Limited Deadtime Warranty on your PZU does not cover zombie malfunction due to eating brains of other zombies, zombies eating their own body parts, and zombies being born through natural reproduction between male and female zombie. Moreover, it is not covering any damages related to unsolicited loss of flesh, limbs or other body parts due to the rotting process, as well as the loss of intelligence and other sensory or locomotive skills. Detailed information on how to slow down the rotting process of your zombie is contained in your User Guide (located in the section titled "How to harmlessly remove your own brain in order to feed your Personal Zombie Unit").
If you ever experience any other malfunction with your zombie, either ship it back in the same body bag mail package in which you received your PZU, perform satanic blood rituals aimed at resurrecting undead (as specified in the troubleshooting section III of the Necromancer's Guidebook), or just remove your own brain and deliver it to one of our our local zombie HQ near you, or to any ZAPER (Zombification Agency Personal Estimator and Representative) that breaks into your house.
Trouble shooting Troubleshooting Zombies[edit]
If you have trouble shooting a zombie, and you don't know why, then perhaps you should consider using these methods in order to maximize the effectiveness of your anti-zombie, anti-Dracula and anti-Dick Cheney weaponry, and keep you and your family (and no one else) safe!
1. Point weapon at Zombie(s) (note: point end with hole at your target, and the shoulder butt against your shoulder. Not the other way around. Trust us on this one.)
2. Pull the trigger (note: be careful that there are no unwanted obstacles/neighbors/grannies/festive hats in your line of fire. Unless granny is annoying and you want to use the zombie invasion as an excuse to knock her off.)
3. Try to CONSERVE your ammo! When something is shot in the head, it will not come back (although, just to be on the safe side, it's probably best to send out slow bait, such as a toddlers/neighbor/granny first before you leave your bunker, in order to determine if there really are any undead still out there).
4. If things get out of hand, and it seems that your trusty ol' magnum won't work, get out the AK-47 FOR JEEBUS' SAKE! Do not allow previous experiences of reliability get in the way of common sense! A magnum WILL NOT save you from a horde of zombies (maybe against granny, but not zombies)! You are not Clint Eastwood! If you do not have an AK-47 or similar automatic weapon for some reason, then perhaps you deserve to die. Just be a pal and kill yourself with your magnum so we won't have to pick up after you. The seal of the zombie survival squad5. Do not allow love to get in the way of your survival. Love counts for nothing in this life. Survival, sex, drugs, hot cars, and mary-j are all that count. And Chuck Norris. And Chuck Norris' pet iguana, Pumpkin. Oh, and that movie with the robot that has inflatable boobs and flame-throwers up it's arms. God she is soooo hot, you could drool over her like a zombie, 'cept not for the brains if ya know what I mean!
6. When you are close up against a zombie, your bunker is probably overrun or they sent you off to find some drugs and shit. If this is the case, find the drugs, do the drugs, and sit back and enjoy the show as your companions are rapidly ripped to pieces and devoured. Let's face it, they had it coming.
What happens in the movies is...[edit]
complete bullshit. First, there A, just 1, protagonist, who finds him or herself in mortal peril. Then they run screaming from the place they are, without dispatching the zombie (that's a bad thing!), without checking for supplies, or guns, or relatives that could be used as bait later on. It's just them, they see zombies everywhere, they freak out for some reason, like they're the only people in the world who don't know how to kill a zombie, and they run away. Without planning anything. Just like that, they leave a relatively safe haven of food, bait, and porn (Porn=God)
Then, they randomly hook up with 3 or 4 individuals, in the middle of a huge city. And one them just HAPPENS to be a cop with a shotgun. Right after that, they either a) randomly find a mall that is not overrun by zombies buying the latest appliances they saw on channel 4 and that also has 4 grown men with guns, or they b)run around the city, with only sidearms, looking for a lost kid who may or may not be a zombie. Oh, and there's probably a super-zombie running around looking for THEM. Whoopdee fucking doo.
Eventually, everyone dies. They're either picked off one by one, or blown up by a nuke. The END
Zombie Targets[edit]
The zombie, contrary to popular belief, is picky. It will, for example, not devour an NLP (Normal, Living Person)if that person is deemed to be too stupid, like when the person drools, and moans, and makes jerking insolite movements in an unappetizing fashion (it is of course commonly known that Zombies Moan at a very precise pitch, possible only thanks to the decay of oral tendons). Their favorite foods are those people who resist annihilation and run away screaming. Little do those people realize that as far as they run, they will eventually collapse from exhaustion, at which point the zombies will assume a leizurely pace to reach and devour them. Also, screaming is a very stupid thing to do, and it irritates the zombies greatly. Proffessor Relkurgleblahhmoaaaaa of the university of UnDeath, says: "we zombies have extraordinarily tender earways, so it is only in self-defense that we unnecessarily devour the screamer." and just to prove his point, he tried to eat Chuck Norris's brain, who screamed when the professor drooled over his pet iguana Pumpkin, but only to yet again get mutilated by Chuck Norris's famous roundhouse kick. Some Zombies have very particular tastes, like the Oprah-zombie, who only eats people who seek her sympathy on her show, from which she draws future prey. Others will eat from only certain nationalities, like Barack Obama, who likes to eat American citizens.